Is baby fever a real thing? I think I may be coming down with it. Its hard to be sure, because I have never really felt it before. If you aren’t up to date on my reproductive history, my 19 month-old daughter was what we loving refer to as a BIG SURPRISE. So, I hadn’t yet come to the point in my life where I actually craved having a baby.
Then my lifelong friend brought her newborn son for me to hold at dinner one night and that little bugger nuzzled his sweet little face into the space just between my neck and my shoulder, he wormed his way right into my heart. And across the table my other friend got misty eyed and exclaimed “Oh! You just look so natural with him!” You guys. I saw her eyes get misty. At me. Holding a baby. Then I pretended like mine weren’t getting the tiniest bit misty too.
And apparently everyone in the world is pregnant. Upon hearing pregnancy announcements in the past I always reacted with excitement, and most of all RELIEF. Because it wasn’t me who was pregnant. But lately, I have started to notice the tiniest little sliver of an ache at each pregnancy announcement. Of excitement and then juuuuust a little rose-colored remembrance of pregnancy and newborn baby.
Another thing if you are new here: I, under no circumstances, enjoyed any part of being pregnant. Also, I struggled A LOT with the early newborn months. I vowed that my daughter would be an only child, or that we would at least need to wait 5 years between her and a sibling.
Buuuuut all of a sudden I am having selective memory. I am trying to convince myself that next time will be different. That I know what I am doing now and I will adjust beautifully, instead of ‘collapse in on myself like a dying star’ (bonus points for anyone who knows where I am quoting that from). I have visions of a healing birth, I have visions of enjoying, not just surviving a newborn. Of not being so crazy about breastfeeding. In these visions I am pleasantly rested and well-fed and relaxed and in clean clothes and had a shower that day.
I can hear you laughing through the screen. I get it, you guys. I’ve been there. No need to laugh at my impossible fantasy.
What they don’t tell you about baby fever, is it doesn’t necessarily hit you at opportune times. I am just getting control of my life back. I am feeling physically much better. I am finding “me” time. Our savings account is still hurting from saying goodbye to a full-time job. Where would we physically PUT another baby? Etc etc etc. A million reasons to have another baby, a million reasons now is not the right time. Isn’t that always how it works?
I actually know it isn’t the right time. I really am not ready. But I wasn’t ready for G either, and she came anyway and changed my life in a million ways only she could and while I can’t say my life is easier, or more peaceful, I can say it is RICHER. Not in money ways. In those ways, we are most definitely POORER. But in all the best ways, much, much richer.
So, my question is – how do you know its time for a(nother) baby? Do you ‘just know’? Do you ‘just do it’ (no pun intended) and figure out the rest later? If you are a planner like me, do you meticulously plan until you are ‘ready’?
I think this is one of life’s many unanswerable questions. But if you have the answer, feel free to let the rest of us know.