When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had ZERO clue about what being pregnant or having a baby would be like. When I called my doctor to set up my first prenatal appointment, her nurse suggested that I download a specific app on my phone to help answer some of my questions and concerns until I saw the doctor. Part of the app was a “pregnancy chat forum”, a place where you were grouped with women due the same month as you and could chat about pregnancy related topics.
Being anxious to talk to ANYONE about what in the actual fuck was happening, I regularly checked in to my forum. To say it was crazy is a massive understatement. But it was also super helpful to me at certain times, particularly for post-partum support and realizing I wasn’t alone in many of the emotions I was experiencing at the time.
When I got pregnant the second time, I downloaded the app solely for the purpose of knowing my due date and what week I was currently in of my pregnancy. I stayed as far away from that forum as possible. I’m a Veteran Mom now, you guys. Why would I need this? But inevitably I was sucked in when my morning sickness was so bad that I couldn’t leave the house for days and days and what I really needed more than anything was validation from at least one other human being going through the exact same thing and the same time as me. And I noticed not a damn thing had changed.
So sit back and relax, and recognize these common characters from pregnancy forum land.
- The Lone Male
Oh how I love the Lone Male, the dad-to-be who is probably a woman catfishing all the other women on the forum. This guy just really cares about his wife/gf’s pregnancy, y’all. You ladies are QUEENS. You ladies are CREATING LIFE. You ladies DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THE ROYALTY YOU ARE. This guy is going to write lengthy posts about all the wonderful things he does for his wife/gf and wonder out loud why more men aren’t just like him. Cue the “I wish my husband was more like you!”, “Your wife is sooooo lucky!” and the “do you have a brother? LOL!” response posts. Someone will inevitably say, “ummm, I thought this was a woman’s pregnancy forum …” for which she will be PUBLICLY MASSACRED for suggesting by other women defending the lone male’s right to participate in his partner’s pregnancy by posting about how wonderful he is.
2. The Debbie Downer
Debbie Downer is inevitable on pregnancy forums. The emotional toll of a past miscarriage can be enormous and completely traumatizing. Debbie Downer probably is dealing with some serious fear and anxiety and is having a hard time seeing other pregnancies end, which happens in every forum. But the way she handles the fear maybe isn’t the most productive. She doesn’t want to scare you, but she has done exactly what you’ve done and she miscarried. She doesn’t want to scare you, but she had identical symptoms to you and she miscarried. She doesn’t want to scare you, but you probably shouldn’t announce your pregnancy to anyone because she did and you guessed it … she miscarried. She doesn’t want to scare you, but she did everything right and she still miscarried. She doesn’t want to scare you, but she definitely wants you to know, you are definitely in danger of miscarrying.
3. The Google MD
The Google MD always mysteriously is missing spell-checker on her phone. But she knows you will either A) be totally fine or B) will totally die, based on this article she read online from www.pregofactz.com.
4. The “well my cousin” girl
Well, her cousin did that and her baby turned out fine. Well, her cousin did that, and she had a late term miscarriage. Well, her cousin did that and nobody liked her. Well, her cousin did that and really regrets it now. Well, her cousin did that and now she is paralyzed from the nose down. Well, her cousin did that and now has triplets. Well, her cousin did that and her baby is a genius.
5. The “why can’t we all just get along” girl
When the “drama” comes, and rest assured, it WILL COME, the “Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?” Girl is seriously stressed out. She wants us all to be BFFs, and doesn’t understand why we can’t just be happy together. Each of her pleading posts reads exactly like that soliloquy from Mean Girls: “I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy.” You guys. She doesn’t even go here. She just has a lot of feelings.
6. The Pot Stirrer
The Pot Stirrer is a fun one. She likes to post about super controversial topics because she is just “wondering what other’s opinions are” on it. Topics brought up on EVERY SINGLE PREGNANCY FORUM WITHOUT EXCEPTIONS: abortion, drinking while pregnant, abortion, smoking while pregnant, abortion, sushi/lunchmeat/hot tubs/caffeine while pregnant, abortion. She just steps back and watches the chaos unfold.
7. The Troll
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I distinctly remember a post on January 1st, which for the women in my forum would be the tail end of 2nd trimester. This woman claimed she had got blackout drunk on NYE, did drugs, and woke up the next morning with a strange man in her bed who she had slept with the night before. She ended it with something like “What a crazy night, LOL!” Probably more entertaining was the other women’s reactions to this post. Women who must not have ever heard of the lovely species called Internet Trolls, and the most important rule when dealing with such creatures – DON’T FEED THEM.
8. The First Time Mom
First Time Mom is freaking out, you guys. She had a cramp today. Is that normal? She was throwing up yesterday but today she isn’t. Is that normal? Her big toe hurts today. Should she go to the ER? When is her baby bump coming? Is this a baby bump? Did she feel the baby move? Should she be feeling the baby move yet? Is she having enough ultrasounds? Is she having too many ultrasounds? What are the symptoms of a girl pregnancy? Is orange juice safe? Is water safe? Is breathing safe? Should she have a c-section or vaginal birth? Should she have an epidural or go natural? What swing should she get? When should her baby shower be? When should her maternity pictures be? Is she in labor? What if she’s in labor right now? How did you know you were in labor? Does this mean she’s in labor? When is labor coming? This is it! Wait, this isn’t it.
9. The Veteran Mom
Veteran Mom is so over it, you guys. You First Time Moms are the worst. Veteran Mom likes to do a lot of cyber eye-rolling and deep sighing and talking about how you just need to RELAX. Oh my God, First Time Mom, you are so dumb. Veteran Mom was NEVER a First Time Mom. She always knew all the answers and never ever freaked out. Veteran Mom knows everything.
10. The “I Would NEVER” Girl
I Would NEVER Girl would NEVER eat a turkey sandwich while pregnant. She would NEVER DREAM of taking medication for her nausea. I Would NEVER Girl likes to remind you that pregnancy is only an easy, breezy, nine short little months and if you do one single thing that’s not 100% scientifically proven to be anything but beneficial to your baby, well, she’s sorry but you are a terrible mother. No offense. She herself would just NEVER do that.
11. The Bubble Burster
The Bubble Burster really hates to break it to you, but that’s not a baby bump, its just bloat. She really hates to burst your bubble, but there is no way in hell you can feel your baby moving right now. Not to ruin your fun, but all gender prediction is complete bullshit. Bubble Burster physically aches to let another person possibly have fun or believe something that is not completely supported by all her Google sources. It would make Bubble Burster actually ill to allow you to think you had a baby bump when in fact you are just FAT, girl.
12. The Silent Judgy One
Silent Judgy Girl likes to sit back and silently judge every post without saying a single word. Then she likes to regurgitate her observations passive-aggressively onto her blog. She is definitely the best person you will never meet on your pregnancy forum.
Now go forth and share with any other brave souls who find themselves in the hell/guilty pleasure otherwise known as pregnancy forums, and join me on Facebook for six more months of pregnancy observations. Sometimes we talk about yoga pants too.